What is bad in the ability to be pleasant, amiable, easy to communicate? Perhaps only one thing is the desire to remain so always for everyone in 24/7 mode. What is the reverse side of boundless friendliness and friendliness?

You met them, I met them, it may very well be, you are one of them too. Cute, sincere people – they always see the best in others, believe in a word, are ready to extend the hand of help or voluntarily take up the task that no one wants to solve. They are responsive to the feelings of loved ones, easy to communicate and rarely argue, if they ever argue. That all this is bad? Nothing, you say. But if you are always sweet and with everyone in 24/7 mode, such a style of behavior can be dangerous. Let’s look at the typical disadvantages of excessive friendliness.

Accumulation of negativity

You are not only sweet, but absolutely serene and calm, though? Most likely not, unless you accept any highly effective sedatives. Unfortunately, “always sweet” people tend to internulate – to keep in themselves negative emotions that naturally arise in everyday life. The by -product of this excessive self -control is depression, anxiety and various kinds.

Regular breakdowns

If depression, anxiety and dependence are not strong enough to keep indecent feelings in UES, you are likely to risk throwing out the accumulated anger at the child, to break on a quiet, scattered colleague or get drunk until the loss of consciousness. Then you feel terribly guilty, will pour apologies, promising never to do this again … until the pressure increases again.

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Self -criticism

In the effort to be good, most likely, your endless guilt plays a special role. You blame yourself for everything: that you did not foresee the consequences that your words made another person act like that. A critic sits inside you, who now and then reports you with an angry parental voice and threatens you with a finger. Under this pressure, you promise to try, to be even better, but no matter what you do, you will never be good enough. Miserable existence.

Resentment

The accumulated indignation can often pour into hysteria or breakdown, but more often resentment and discontent simply smolder, constantly present in your life. The appearance of resentment is quite natural: by demonstrating courtesy, you naturally expect others to appreciate your titanic efforts, follow your example and behave the same way as you. Or without words they will understand what you need and give, although you never say what these needs.

An early compromise

Instead of immediately clearly inform someone about your request, you are building forecasts and assumptions that another person may want. And even before the start of the conversation, lower your own requirements.

“Jeanne is likely to not agree to replace me with the whole weekend,” you say to yourself. “I’ll ask her, whether she can go out for me on Saturday.”. When you do this all the time, you get not what you want (although you fantasize that the other person will read thoughts and offer the best option for you), but only a miserable semblance of the desired. And it seems to be all “ok”. And life over time becomes emasculated, devoid of acuteness.

Passive aggression

In relation to the closest, you can choose a discreet passive-aggressive style of behavior: speak behind, throw the words “after”, crush, cause guilt, be offended, but not say why exactly. And all due to the fact that you do not allow yourself to express fatigue, irritation, discontent directly. You never tell your partner what you really want and feel. Avoid clarification of relations and open conflicts. As a result of such “half -hearted” honesty, relations with loved ones dry out and may completely come to naught.

Does this mean that you should not be cute?

Of course not. But there is a difference between life, movable values, and life, moving anxiety. At the heart of the first – beliefs, a firm understanding of how to do with others. You are kind and tactful, you see that we all survive at this tiny point in the universe. And you treat others as you would like to treat you. You do this not because “should” or are afraid of subsequent guilt, but because this is your lifestyle. But along with this you can say no, take care of yourself no less than others, to be assertive and honest, not being aggressive and without causing harm. Life is mutually beneficial as possible.

When your life is controlled by anxiety, you take a pleasant position in order to avoid conflict and confrontation that you cannot stand. Its essence is this: “I am happy if you are happy,” that is, I do everything I need so as not to angry anyone, because otherwise I begin to worry. You cannot say no, you do not express your opinion loudly, do not show honesty and assertiveness due to fear. This is not about values, but about the image that protects you from the frightening world.